Twice Shy
by Mekanikora
Summary: Ritsuko confronts Misato in the aftermath following a conniving plan of revenge. What follows is both implausible and hilarious, and yet it is so. Gift-fic for GobHobblin.


**Twice Shy**

* * *

If you had asked her the simplest of questions, that niggling little three letters might have triggered anything from an outbreak of giggles to a sense of deep, introspective contemplation that would have made anyone in the room — or anywhere near it — more than a bit uncomfortable.

Those same three letters, forming a word so ripe with complexity that those on the receiving end would shudder in anxious anticipation, spoken by someone who knew her well enough to have known better, didn't seem enough to convey the incredulity, the horror of the entire ordeal.

"Why?" the word repeated itself, more softly, less harshly, and all with the same expectation.

And still Misato sat in her frozen little world of the mind, taking a drag of a cigarette she'd swiped from… from somewhere else.

"You never were a habitual smoker," the room's other occupant observed, rouged lips smirking with a quick quirk. Her answer came in the form of an indelicate cough, first one, and then another dozen in succession. "You're not very good at it."

"Shut up," Misato snapped, but it lacked her normal spitfire attitude. The cigarette clicked in the ashtray, breaking the ensuing silence with unnatural patter. "Why are you really here, Ristuko?"

"Aside from the incredibly obvious? You've cracked, Major, and I'm here on the fool's errand to convince you to get some help."

"Help? I played a practical joke, and you want me to get help?"

Ritsuko sighed and pulled up a chair, wincing as it twanged against several discarded beer cans. Her foot barely dodged a small puddle on the filthy floor, eyes momentarily flicking towards the open room across the kitchen. The now empty room.

"Just a prank, you say? Why don't you explain it all to me from the beginning, then?"

"What are you, my shrink?"

"If it helps to think of it that way, sure."

Misato glared through the rising wisps of smoke from the cigarette, gritting her teeth audibly as she aimed a perfect kick at the table, upending it and sending it halfway across the room. Ritsuko, more than used to these outbursts, didn't bother to move or blink, simply waiting.

"Fine, then!" the Major snarled.

* * *

One date gone wrong. Kaji had flirted with one too many waitresses, helped yet another damsel in distress make it onto the train just in time for her to oh-so-gracefully fall into his arms, swooning over that smile of his. And the entire time, he'd looked over at her and _winked._

Winked, like it had been some sort of little secret between them.

Winked, like a reminder that he didn't belong to her. He never had.

She'd had enough and gone home, leaving him flirting with some redhead three stations away from her stop. She'd walked the rest of the way home.

Expecting Shinji and Asuka to be asleep, she'd instead found the two teenagers at each other's throats — again — and Asuka had grabbed a nasty-looking butter knife from the leaning tower of dishes by the sink.

_Oh yeah, Thursday._ Her turn to clean. Oops.

So she'd sighed, restrained Asuka until the redhead — _great, another one, _she thought — ran out of steam and stomped away to bed.

Which left her facing a rather red-faced Shinji, fists clenching and opening like he wanted to hit something, but didn't have the guts to do so.

_Remember who you're talking to, Misato: the_ king _of running away. _

In fact, and this struck her altogether too close for comfort, she thought he looked rather… sweet like that, all helpless and not sure whether to fight or flee from the entire situation. Just like with everything else.

Misato had retired to bed herself with that thought at the forefront of her mind, leaving Shinji alone in the kitchen.

And thus a dream had blossomed within her that night while she slept, tossing and turning amongst the pillows of her futon, delightfully stupid and just plain perfect. She couldn't get back at Kaji anytime soon, but she'd have a little fun on the way there.

* * *

"Just what is it with you and men?" Ritsuko interjected then, one eyebrow raised with the query. "I'd have to imply that it had something to do with your—"

"Finish that sentence and I'm grabbing my gun."

Nonplussed, the blonde leaned over to the fridge, helping herself to the last cola at the back, hidden behind the cases of beer. "I'm just saying that you've never seemed at all comfortable in a nonprofessional setting—"

"You gonna shrink my brain some more, or do you wanna hear about the dress?"

That shut her up, though the smirk threatened its return. Misato sighed, injecting calm though she felt none, and sat back once more. "I saw the dress in the shop one day, maybe about a week later? The model looked rather familiar, so I went in to take a look —"

* * *

She'd found the color pleasing, too, a soft cerulean that shimmered in the light. The mental pictures began then, prancing across her inner eye like Asuka on a victory twirl, complete with full-toothed smiles and girly giggles and the tossing of hair over a pale shoulder.

Eyes narrowing in satisfaction, Misato had ignored the price tag and placed it on her NERV-issued credit card simply because she could.

_Now for the grand setup._

* * *

"Someone's got a plan," a voice murmured near her ear as she rode the Level 07 escalator to her office. Misato cringed even as she jumped, refusing to give Kaji the satisfaction of turning around.

"I know that distant look on your face," he singsonged, peering over her shoulder with way more attention than he'd afforded several days ago. "Katsuragi's thinking something _devious._ Am I involved? Am I clothed? Are you?"

"Get over yourself, Kaji," she muttered, taking three steps away from him, but he followed closer than a shadow, stepping so he could see her better.

"Now now now, Major, don't be shy! I can see that evil little glint in your eye. Plotting revenge, are we? That's not very nice—"

"Revenge? Please," she returned coolly. "Don't flatter yourself. I'm arranging a meeting with an old friend. We… have a lot to catch up on."

_That_ erased his boyish smile quickly enough. "Friend? Male friend?"

"What's it to you?" to punctate her carelessness, she tossed her hair over one shoulder, right into the man's face. He stepped back, as expected, crossing his arms with a deeper frown.

"Oh, fine, be that way. I guess I'll give those concert tickets to Ri-chan instead."

"You do that. Just remember she's scheduled for the night shift for the next month."

"…"

* * *

"I was _not_ on the night shift!"

"He didn't know that, did he?"

Ritsuko growled, her beauty mark twitching. "And what tickets did he happen to get his hands on that day?"

Misato slumped in her chair, knees spread apart as her feet tapped and her lips murmured a name almost inaudibly from behind the cigarette. The good doctor's eyes flashed, well-manicured nails tightening into claws against the cola can.

"WHAT?!"

"Get mad at me and I won't finish the story."

"Major Katsuragi, you're an incredibly lucky woman."

"Because he offered me the tickets first?"

A fountain of cola emerged as the can crumpled in Ritsuko's hand. "That my curiosity, in this one small case, _far_ outweighs my current bout of homicidal mania."

"Lucky me, then."

* * *

"So listen, when this happens, you know what to do, right?"

"R-r-right."

"Don't look so nervous. You _like_ him, don't you?"

"Um… yeah. I do?" Nervous laughter.

"Thaaaaat's right!" Misato drained a long swig of her beer and slammed it onto the cafe table, loud enough for the manager to peek out from the kitchen and offer a warning glare. She didn't notice.

"Could you explain why we're doing this again? And in _public?"_

"Don't be like that! You look so _pretty!_"

"Indeed she does. Who's your friend, Misato?" Slithering into the seat beside her, Kaji wrapped an arm around the Major's signature red jacket, burying his face languidly into her shoulder and taking a deep breath. Despite herself Misato felt a blush creep down from the tips of her ears, and felt a sense of relief that she'd left her waterfall of hair down today despite the summer heat.

"I thought you had a meeting with the Commander today?"

"He was called away unexpectedly. Postponed. And wasn't that a good thing? I get to have lunch with two _lovely _ladies."

"Who said you were invited?" Misato half-snapped, pursing her lips and looking determinedly away from him.

"Now, now, you're being rude. I ask again, dear Major, who is this darling little thing you're conversing with?" he gave that smile, the infuriating one no longer reserved for Misato herself at her companion, who immediately reddened and glanced shyly away, hands clasped in her lap. Short hair a few shades darker than Misato's own brushed her shoulders, and a delicate blue hat to match her dress sent becoming shadows over her face.

* * *

Ritsuko coughed, hurriedly rubbing away drops of cola from her chin. In fact, the can had dropped completely from her hand to join the aluminum memorial at their feet, yet another marker to a grave of sanity. "You DIDN'T!"

Misato smirked and continued with her tale without skipping a beat.

* * *

Much to her annoyance, Kaji had found himself awestruck by the delicate beauty with "enchantingly shy eyes," positively drooling over her so much that Misato had felt tempted to request a bowl for him.

"So you knew Misato in college? I must say you've aged incredibly well, my dear! You make me feel positively old against your youthful face…" he reached out to brush a lock of hair from the girl's cheek, but she shied away with a quiet laugh, clearly intimidated by his charm.

"I… yes," she answered at length, sparing a glance at Misato. "I took notes for her whenever she missed her… physics classes. We haven't seen much of each other since she graduated… I was a couple of years behind her."

"That much is for certain!" Kaji laughed, taking that moment to slip to the other side of the table, giving Misato a wink. "Tell me more about Ms. Katsuragi then, Sayuri. I'm _very_ interested in what you have to say…"

"Yes, I'm completely sure…" Misato grumbled, rolling her eyes. "I'm going to _powder my nose_ now, if anybody else cares."

"Oh, let me go with you, Misato!" Sayuri pleaded, giving a nervous smile. "I wanted to talk to you about—"

"Ah ah ah," Kaji rumbled playfully, placing a hand on Sayuri's with a bit too much relish. "I think Katsuragi needs some time alone. Let's give her some space, hmm?"

"B-b-but—!"

Turning on her heel and fuming, Misato strode away from the scene as quickly as possible towards the cafe's bathroom, shoving both hands into her jacket pockets to keep from strangling the first man she happened across on her way there.

* * *

Misato paused, half-expecting some kind of smart retort, but Ritsuko had fallen completely silent, white as a sheet as the implications began to sink in, little by little. Giving herself a moment to enjoy that, she examined her fingernails for invisible specks of dirt, then gestured towards the air with that same hand with derision.

"Just wait, it gets better."

"I… don't see how…"

* * *

She entered the bathroom and shut the door behind her, leaning against it with her face in her hands. Focusing on her breathing, listening to the air invade and flee her lungs with equal speed, she counted.

One minute, two. Five, then ten.

It was time.

She pulled her phone from her pocket, fiddling with it for a moment longer before exiting, striding with confident steps back to her table.

What she saw filled her with all-too-familiar revulsion and an equal sense of the purest relief.

"KAJI!" she shouted, mouth twisting into a feral snarl, and his head rose from where he'd begun to lean in and kiss Sayuri's pale neck, the girl herself hyperventilating and trying to push the impulsive man away from her. Kaji's hands had wound themselves suggestively around Sayuri, not caring at all about their little spectacle's observation by several other cafe customers.

"Well, hello Katsuragi," he smirked, not at all repentant. "I was just getting to know Ms. Sayuri a little bit better."

"Oh, I just bet you were. Get away from her."

"I think not. You see—" he leaned in again, eyes never leaving Misato's. At the same time she injected herself with a mental dose of calm, forced her face to even out, she raised her phone and bared her teeth.

"Oh, Kaji. Predictable, scumbag, cheating Kaji." Her thumb moved over the keypad of her phone deftly, but otherwise she'd fallen into a statuesque freeze, her words icy and emotionless. A void. A void to match the one in her heart. "I didn't think you were one for young _boys."_

She didn't think that a real human being's eyes could open so wide.

"BOYS?"

'Sayuri' squeaked in fear.

* * *

A snapshot of the moment currently playing out in a small apartment kitchen would appear as thus: one Major Misato Katsuragi, lost in reliving her moment of triumph against evil, pumping her fist towards the sky as laughter burst joyously from her lips, eyebrows furrowed and dark eyes narrowed to tighten her face into a mask of tyrannical satisfaction. The remains of a cigarette smoldered on the table, half-hidden within a pile of its own ashes, a last wisp of smoke trailing lazily towards the ceiling.

And then, in sharpest contrast, behold now one Doctor Ritsuko Akagi, pale to the point of death as she stared at her companion, perhaps a friend, disbelief dropping her jaw gently open, one hand in her hair as if to tug at it and the other pressed against the edge of her chair as though she meant to throw herself from it.

Just as quickly as time had slowed for this moment, it then unraveled into a chaos of resolution.

"You — so the pictures posted all over NERV…"

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Misato… I've changed my mind. You're beyond help."

* * *

_Author's Notes: This fic was written as a gift to my husband GobHobblin to cheer him up after a bad day, because he's a big Misato fan and I don't like Kaji very much. _

_Also, it's been a while since I've had the time to write something (thanks to my new job), so this gets me back into the habit before I post again on my big fic. If any of my Tin Man readers see this - I'm not dead I swear, the next chapter's coming very soon!  
_

_Hope you enjoyed, and please feel free to let me know your thoughts._

_~Mekanikora~_


End file.
